Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
