I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
