Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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