I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My ass is underappreciated
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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