I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
it was like eating out sand paper
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
