There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
