we're blogging at a bar
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
