i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i permit you to call me
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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