Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
