Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
