Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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