So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
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