Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
