Don't you send me to vm
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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