best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
