Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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