If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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