i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
