I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
