I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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