I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
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