Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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