Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
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Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
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YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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