Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We left the knife in your bed.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
