At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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