I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
