We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
NoShamevember. You game?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Randomize
