R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
from now on my penis is your penis
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
