So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
