A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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