Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
