just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
