I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
