She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
