I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
She even gives head with a lisp.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
