It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
