Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
