Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
accomplished twins. life is a go
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
