u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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