You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
