I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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