Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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