I need help removing her.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
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As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
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Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver