If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi