Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
