Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
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I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
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So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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