how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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