i will never coherently bang her
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
