If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
