watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
