is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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