Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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