pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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