I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
as a side note pls kill me
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
