I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
