Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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