The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
