Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
