Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
